Legaia - A Spoof Parody [PG-13]

[Nightshade]

(This work contains innuendo, drug references, mild language, and gratuitous violence, and I am marking this as a PG-13 work.)

Disclaimer:
The following is a fan-based Parody.
This work will contain humor which some individuals may consider to be gratuitous.
The content contained within this work may be unsuitable for children, teenagers, and adults.
Anyone with sensibilities that might be offended is hereby warned.

Part 1:

Welcome to Rim Elm, last bastion of human civilization. Except for Snowdrift Cave, Biron Monastery, and the Ancient Caves, and Underground Octam, and Sol, and the Soren Camp, and probably other places that we'll never visit. But enough about that. We introduce Vahn.

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Vahn heads to the Genesis Tree, because it calms him, or something. Maybe it's laced with THC. I don't know.

Vahn: "Aaahhhhhh...."

Village Elder: "Ah, there you are, my young lad! Now, as you know, we are facing difficult times. The Mist has covered the world for the last 10 years, and the evil Seru are going to possess and/or kill you if you go out in it, so we built this Wall. But guess what, we're sending you out in it tomorrow to prove that you are an adult! And to find some food. Mmm.... Food! Now just remember...."

[10 minutes later]

Elder: "And in summary, that is why Rim Elm is counting on you."

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Elder: "Splendid! Now, I'm going to go drinking with the rest of the octogenarians... Er, I mean, wait for the adults to return. Yeah, that's it!"

Vahn decides to go see Tetsu. Along the way, he runs into some weird green-haired girl.

Mei: "Hey, Vahn, can you come here? I need your body!"

Vahn: "..."

Mei: "We can't do that here! I was talking about your clothes for tomorrow. You know, when you go hunting with the adults! And my father! Anyway, I'll be at your house later! See ya!"

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Vahn heads down to the beach to meet Tetsu, a so-called skilled martial artist who's going to get beat up in about 6 hours... Wait, is that a spoiler?

Tetsu: "I'm an older man who's been beating you up since you were 7 years old. And yet, they keep letting you visit me! No Child Protective Services is awesome!"

Vahn: "Let's get this over with..."

Vahn has now learned how to somersault! He also learned how to use a Healing Leaf, because the instructions of "eat the leaf, dangit" were too complex for him. After training, Vahn heads home.

Nene: "Mei, do you love my brother?"

Mei: "Silly Nene, of course not! I just want his..."

Vahn walks in.

Mei looks embarrassed. "We're still meeting tonight at my place, right? Ah, let's just get these measurements done with."

Mei spends a great deal of time measuring Vahn. "Wow, you're much bigger than I remember! It's amazing how quickly guys grow! Anyway, see you tonight!" Mei winks and leaves.

Vahn decides to head outside to get some fresh air before dinner. He heads outside and the hunters are back. Well, except for Mei's father, Juno. He's dead.

Mei: "You have to come over now! I need you to... console me!"

Vahn: "Whatever..."

After some time spent consoling, Vahn heads home, and goes to sleep, as he is tired at this point.

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[GoldenPower89]

Heh. I never thought about that. Tetsu beats up children.

[Nightshade]

Part 2:

It is now midnight. Vahn is awoken by his father.

Val: "Vahn, go outside and see what that noise is. I'd go myself, but my leg was crippled thanks to you. So now, it's your problem."

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Vahn heads outside. He sees the Village Elder, and decides to talk to everyone else instead, because advancing the plot is overrated.

Half an hour passes.

Strange Voice: "Oh, for the love of... This has gone on long enough. Look, I'm Zeto, and in the famous words of Ronald Reagan, Tear Down This Wall!"

Village Elder: "Who is that?"

Zeto: "Look, it doesn't matter. And seriously, this is why you guys need TV! Oh, and accept the Mist and the Seru, my friend's about to fire his laser all over your town."

Tetsu: "No, Vahn, I'll save you!"

Tetsu charges and gets swatted down like a fly.

Zeto: "Absurd, what insolence! It's like you think you're tough because you beat up kids all day!"

Vahn: "He makes a fair point..."

A strange roar is heard, and the Wall comes bursting down. In come a bunch of Gimards and the Mist. Gobu Gobu and Green Slimes are not seen entering the village, but you'll still have to fight them anyway.

Vahn fights a Gimard.

Vahn: "What?"

Vahn sees that the Genesis Tree is glowing. He decides that he should let his father know what's going on.

Val: "The Mist is harmless. However, we are all going to die tonight. That's right, every one of us is going to die. But you first."

Vahn gets pushed back outside.

Vahn heads to Mei's house.

Mei: "Miss me already?" By the way, what's going on outside? Are you seeing someone else? Because if you are, I'm going to have to politely beat the crap out of her. Oh, and what do you want to do about the Mist?"

Vahn suggests that they head back to his house.

Mei: "Are you sure about that? I mean, it would be really awkward with your father and sister at home. But, I'm not one to complain! Let's get going!"

Vahn sends Mei to his house, and then Val pushes Vahn out the door again.

Val: "Now don't come back! You already caused me to lose one leg to the Seru, I ain't losing the other!"

Vahn decides to head to the Genesis Tree. He puts his hand on the tree and a voice speaks to him.

Voice: "I am Meta, a Ra-Seru. We must join bodies to fight the Mist."

Vahn: "Funny, that's what Mei said five minutes ago. And no, not happening."

Meta: "I insist that we unite!"

Vahn: "Given the choice between fighting Mei and the Mist, I like my odds against the Mist. Besides, you'll just possess me anyway."

Meta: "Actually, we Ra-Seru are unaffected by the Mist..."

Vahn: "What?"

[15 legal minutes later]

Meta: "...And as you can see, this contract says that your body is yours to do as you will."

Vahn: "How I wish that were true..."

Meta: "Alright, fusing!"

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Vahn gathers the villagers, and together they pray to the Genesis Tree. A bright light engulfs the Tree, and the villagers are convinced once and for all that the Tree emits not THC, but LSD.

Meta: "Now, we must go revive the other Genesis Trees and save the world. And maybe find you a girlfriend; you've been high-strung all evening."

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Vahn is now sound asleep.
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[GoldenPower89]

It has always bugged me that Meta says, "I've been looking for someone like you". It sounds like Meta would settle for any 14 year-old with a little combat experience.

[Nightshade]

Part 3:

It is now morning. A burial at sea is prepared for Juno, and two other people you don't care about. So, three people you don't care about in total.

Village Elder: "And now, Vahn, you must leave us to go on a quest to retrieve Mei's mother from Biron Monastery to the north. I don't know what happened to the Monastery, and they probably all died 10 years ago when the Mist attacked, but you still have to go anyway."

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Elder: "And now, I'm off to play beer pong with the other elders... I mean, pray for your safe journey."

Vahn decides to head to the store.

Shopkeeper: "Do you want to learn how to use armor?

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Shopkeeper: "Excellent. Now, this is a helmet. You wear it on your head, and it will protect you!"

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Shopkeeper: "And this is a Survival Knife. You hold it in your hand while you punch things, and it makes you hit harder!"

Vahn: "Huh... I zoned out for a minute."

Shopkeeper: "Now remember, you must never slash things with your weapons, or you'll miss. Just punch them when you hold this, and you'll hit them harder. You'll see!"

Vahn: "Sure..."

Vahn decides to leave town.

Mei: "What's this about you leaving? Now who's going to take care of me? My father died, and now the only real man in my life is off to save the world."

Vahn: "I dunno..."

Mei: "How cruel. Now take your stupid armor and... I'm going. Hey, Ixis, want to come over to my place? It's quiet, and no one else is home. ~"

Ixis: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" -runs off-

Vahn: "And now, a customary moment of silence for poor Ixis"

Meta: "Are you quite done yet? We haven't got all day"

Vahn: "Sure we do. Have you seen the sun? It hasn't moved an inch in the past three hours. I bet it'll be daytime the whole adventure, or until the next time we go to sleep."

Meta: "If I had a face and a hand right now, I'd facepalm right now."

Vahn: "Whatever..."

Meta: "We should use the Memory Statue first."

Vahn: "The what?"

Meta: "You know, the statue in that cave. If you tell it your memories, when you die, you'll come back to life just as you were when you visited."

Vahn: "How does that work?"

Meta: "Huh... I don't know..."

Vahn: "And how is it that Juno didn't come back to life?"

Meta: "Good question..."

Vahn: "Huh..."

Meta: "Huh..."

Vahn and Meta: "Whatever..."

So Vahn and Meta set out for Biron Monastery. Along the way, they come to a river.

Vahn: "I guess we have to find a different path."

Meta: "What do you mean?"

Vahn: "I can't swim."

Meta: "That river is literally five feet wide and you're ten times stronger than you were before. Just jump across!"

Vahn: "Sorry, can't..."

Meta: "Why not?"

Vahn: "Plot."

Meta: "What plot? We are trying to save the world, not be characters in some kid's video game."

Vahn: "Are you sure about that?"

Meta: "What?"

Vahn: "How do you know?"

Meta: "Good point. Alright, let's just go to Drake Castle, or whatever."

Vahn: "That's the spirit! We're going to get along just fine."

Meta: "If I had hands, I would strangle you right now."

So, Vahn and Meta headed off to Drake Castle. What adventures await them in the castle? Will Meta strangle Vahn? Find out next time on... oh, seriously, does anyone reading this not know the plot of this story yet?

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[GoldenPower89]

I guess Juno forgot to save before he went to hunt for food. I've always wondered who those other two guys who died were.

[Nightshade]

I don't know, but you shouldn't care either...
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Part 4:

Vahn and Meta head to the northwest toward Drake Castle. As they get close, they see a structure just to the east of the castle.

Vahn: "What do you think that is?"

Meta: "It appears to be a sluice gate of some sort. If we had the key, we could close the gate, drain the river, and continue on to Biron Monastery."

Vahn: "We can't just break the switch, drop the gate, and continue on?"

Meta: "Well, that would be vandalism, and that's terrible."

Vahn: "Well, considering that you effectively kidnapped me, got me kicked out of my home, and made me come on this stupid trip with you, I think we can handle a little vandalism."

Meta: "And, it would break the plot of this story."

Vahn: "Whatever..."

They head to Drake Castle. Unsurprisingly, it is blanketed with Mist. Inside the castle, there are a bunch of locked doors. They travel up a few flights of stairs, and find a book called "Drake Water"

The book reads: "Facts about Drake Water: It heals you, and if you drink it, you don't need food. [something scratched out] Off, The End."

Vahn: "Hey, Meta."

Meta: "What...?"

Vahn: "Have you noticed all the locked doors in this castle?"

Meta: "Yes."

Vahn: "And have you realized that no matter how strong we are, they won't budge?"

Meta: "What about it?"

Vahn: "And you can survive entirely on Drake Water..."

Meta: "Your point?"

Vahn: "Well, I mean, rather than lock themselves in the dungeon like a bunch of prisoners, they could just lock all the castle gates and rely on Drake Water to survive."

Meta: "But they're still prisoners in their castle, right?"

Vahn: "Yeah, I guess so..."

Meta: "And we'd have to get rid of the Mist before we'd get the key anyway, right?"

Vahn: "I guess..."

Vahn and Meta: "Whatever..."

They head up to the top of the castle, and see a few iron bars blocking the exit of the castle and the entrance to the trail to Mt. Rikuroa. Dejected, they decide that instead of breaking one of the bars and continuing on up the mountain, they are instead going to find the key. They find an entrance to the top floor of the castle, and enter the throne room. First, they decide to head to the door on the left. Inside is a Seru-possessed man with a moustache big enough to reach the ground. And his boots are impeccably polished from ten years of moustache-hair abrasion.

Vahn: "Whatever... Let's check out the other room."

Meta: "The door to this room is quite strong. It's almost as though the builders knew the Mist was coming. Why don't you get some sleep?"

Vahn: "Whatever..."

------------

Meta: "I am sorry for interrupting your dream, but seriously, that was just disgusting."

Vahn: "You didn't have to watch."

Meta: "But I did have to tell you that I can absorb Seru powers. But it'll cost you MP to use those abilities."

Vahn: "Question."

Meta: "Yes?"

Vahn: "How is it that your aptitude for using magic is neatly compartmentalized into points that I have to spend?"

Meta: "What?"

Vahn: "How is it that using magic like this always drains the exact same amount of magic stamina. I mean, when I get attacked, it's not like I take the exact same amount of damage every time."

Meta: "Oh, that's a common question among humans. You see, it's a question of human biology..."

[1 very legal hour later]

Meta: "... And that's the way it works. Any questions?"

Vahn: "Buzz off, I'm going back to my dream..."

Vahn continues his restful nap while Meta is far too annoyed to fall asleep.


-----------

Vahn wakes up from his nap.

Meta: "Can we get going? I had to fight three skeletons while you were sleeping!"

Vahn: "What?"

Meta: "You thought that door would hold them off?"

Vahn: "Well, you said it would."

Meta: "Just.... Let's go before I get an aneurysm"

Vahn: "Whatever..."

So, with Vahn fully rested, the pair heads out of the castle and on to Mt. Rikuraku, I mean, Rikuaku, or Rikuroa, or whatever it is. What adventures are in store for our four heroes when they get to the top of the mountain? What do you mean there aren't four heroes? Find out when you remember that you've already played this game and know what's going to happen!

Noa: "I'm hungry!"

Terra: "Woof!"

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[GoldenPower89]

Meta: "I am sorry for interrupting your dream, but seriously, that was just disgusting."

Lol. We already know what Noa dreams about, but what about Vahn? Probably a three-way with Noa and Mei... or Gala.

[van]

Heh, definitely entertaining. Best parts are pretty much anything that Mei says, the river dialogue and when Vahn takes a nap while Meta is annoyed.

[Nightshade]

Part 5:

We now leave Vahn and Meta, and introduce Noa and Terra. Noa is a young girl who lives in a cave and who was raised by wolves. Literally. Well, a wolf, but enough about grammar.

-----------------
Noa is tossing and turning in bed. She hears a strange voice call out to her.

Voice: "Noa, it's your mother. Wake up and get out of bed! It's been 10 years now and you still haven't found a man to settle down with yet! How shameful!"

Noa: "You're not my mother; you're just some ball of light in my dreams. Go away, I'll kick your butt!"

Queen Minea: "Remember, Noa, we love you. But we'd love you more when you finally get around to starting a family!"

Noa: "I'm going back to sleep now."

------------------
Terra: "Arf you having a bad dream?"

Noa: "Not really, just bothered by that strange voice in my head."

Terra: "Well, make sure you remember your dreams. Dreams are said to be portents of the future."

Noa: "Well, when that day comes, I'm going to kick it's butt!"

Terra: "Howl it's time to see if you've been learning in your work."

Noa: "Yes, I know, don't get possessed by a Seru in the Mist, and one day, we'll go to Mt. Rikuroa to revive a Genesis Tree to get rid of the Mist. You've told me that every day for the Last. Five. Years. That's one thousand four hundred sixty-one days. And yes, I counted! All of them!

Terra: "Very good. Now to train your body"

Noa: "Food first, training second."

Noa pulls a mushroom out from inside her shirt, for she has no pockets.

Terra: "Don't eat that mushroom; you don't know where it's been."

Noa eats the mushroom anyway, for she is both very independent, and doesn't like authority figures very much.

Terra: "Woof you stop that already? I don't want you fighting hallucinations again. You'll try to kick their butts and then fall flat on yours! Do you understand me?"

Noa: "Yes, Terra."

Terra: "Then it's time for training! You can fight either the Red Piura or the Black Piura. Just note that the black ones are bigger, stronger, and tougher"

Noa uses Rushing Gale and Lizard Tail to take down both of the black ones.

Terra: "Howl teach you the Lizard... Wait, you already know how to do that, don't you?"

Noa: "Yep, sure do. I can also do this!"

Noa uses Tempest Break to take out the Red Piura in a single blow.

Noa: "See? And now, to kick the other one's butt!"

Red Piuras: "No need! I mean, Squeak!"

The two remaining Red Piuras graciously kick each others' butts, in fear for their lives.

Terra: "It's time to tell you something. I wanted to wait another couple of years, but I'm not your real mother."

Noa: "What!!???"

Terra: "You are a human and I am a Seru attached to the head of this wolf. How did you not figure it out already?

Noa: "Suspension of disbelief?"

Terra: "Alright, fair enough. Let's get going to the Genesis Tree now."

Noa: "How do we get out of here?"

Terra: "Well, I hadn't thought that far yet. But, since I'm a Wind Seru..."

A huge gust of air shoots Terra and Noa out of the top of the cave, and on to the world map. The resulting force triggers an earthquake, which conveniently also breaks a hole in the cave.

Noa: "So, you could have done that at any time?"

Terra: "Uh... No?"

Noa: "Okay, to the mountain! I'm going to revive the Dandelion!"

Terra: "Genesis Tree"

Noa: "Yeah, the Geneticist!"

Terra: "Genesis Tree"

Noa: "The Book of Genesis!"

Terra: "Meta, can you hear me? I'm going to strangle this child."

Meta (to Terra): "Preaching to the choir here."

So, Noa, Terra, Vahn, and Meta are destined for a fateful encounter at the top of Mt. Rikuroa. Will these four heroes make it to the Genesis Tree in time? Or will another be waiting for them there? Find out in Part 6!