LegendOfLegaia.net

So I keep thinking I will become a writer and write a book. I've actually started like 3 books overall but I always get discouraged that it won't be good enough etc. and I give up on it. I just want to post my last attempt at writing a book and see what people think of it if they have time to read it. It's only about 3 pages atm so don't worry about it being extremely long.



A Tale of Lettnburough

As the sea shimmered and the sky glistened with light, there was a young man named Raygor. He was an intellectual person with delicate black hair and green eyes. Enamored by the gentle yet soothing breeze, he gazed out over the water. It was another magnificent day in his hometown of Edinlorn. Sitting on a large, rough-looking rock, he pondered what the new day had in store for him. Would he wander off in the dark yet welcoming forest or would he let the day waste away as he enjoyed the gentle sunlight gripping him in soft warmth.
Raygor hated wasting time so sitting there all day seemed like a sin to his way of life. He also didn’t feel up to exploring the darkness enveloped forest. He did however want to go and see his friend Aldarem. He went on his way to his friend’s place leaving behind the pleasant sea-side relaxation.
The town of Edinlorn was a very small town that stood on a hill and the only real way to get there was through the dark forest called Gorajd. Edinlorn had a dainty wooden fence around the whole town. The fence was really only to keep wild animals and the sort out of the town.
As Raygor came to his friend’s blue and green house, Raygor realized his friend wasn’t home due to the absence of any light protruding from the windows. He then decided he would go see his friend Matrisha. He took off to the left and turned the corner to the right. After three blocks, on the left was where Matrisha’s house rested.
Raygor knocked three times in a firm motion. He waited a while and the door was quickly opened. The person hovering in the door way was Matrisha’s mother. Before Raygor could even say anything she spoke. “Matrisha is down by the lake.”
“Thank you, have a nice day.” Raygor said as he turned a half circle and left. Raygor went back the way he came passing Aldarem’s house and continuing on toward the lake. He descended down the hill outside of town and could see Matrisha off in the distance. When she noticed him coming down the hill they shared a warm smile.
“What are you up to?” asked Raygor. She stood there with almost a vibrant glow. She had medium length blonde hair. Her eyes were a deep and welcoming blue. She gestured to the lake before speaking.
“I am enjoying this beautiful day next to this shimmering lake.” Raygor was not surprised to see her here for she always enjoyed coming here. They sat down together on a couple of sitting rocks as they called them. After a long peaceful moment Raygor spoke.
“I was thinking of going into the Gorajd Forest. Would you like to join me?” She looked at him with a puzzled look. She didn’t understand why he enjoyed that forest so much. He was always exploring that place it seemed.
“Alright, I’ll go.” They arose and started to make their way to the Gorajd Forest. It was a rocky path for a while until they were farther away from the lake. The path then turned into a somewhat flat dirt path.
“So how is your brother doing?” asked Raygor.
“He seems to be decent but he’s always complaining about Mr. Timothy’s lectures. He says they are long, monotonous, and boring. I tell him they are important for his education but I don’t think he cares.”
“Most people don’t like to learn. They don’t understand how powerful knowledge can be, at least not yet anyway.” They entered the outskirts of the forest and continued toward the heart of the forest.
The place seemed darker than usual today. There was an ominous feel to the darkness and the silence. It was hard to believe how quiet the forest was.
“Where are all the animals and noisy bugs?” asked Matrisha. Raygor didn’t answer immediately but he had been thinking the same thing. He had a puzzled look on his face and pondered the looming question.
“Perhaps someone came through here hunting and scared everything away.” It wasn’t much of an answer but where he did not know himself it was the best idea he could come up with.
“Maybe we should go back.”
“Don’t worry. If anything happens I will protect you.”
They came up to a huge, beautiful tree named Magno Tree. Raygor thought about how no matter how many times he saw it, it still impressed him. As the two stood there admiring the tree there was a sound off to the right. It was like a soft yet unending chime. They walked in the direction of the intruding sound.
There at the source of the sound was like a flat blue light floating in the air horizontally just over a steep ledge. As Matrisha was leaning over the handrails that were there she lost her balance and started to fall over. Thankfully she caught the hand rails with one hand. Raygor immediately jumped to help her. He grabbed her other hand but her hand slipped out of his and her grip on the handrail weakened.
“Don’t let me fall!”
“I won’t.” Raygor said with determination.
“Promise me.”
Raygor was fairly certain he could save her but his mind stuttered when she requested a promise. He didn’t answer but grabbed her other hand again in a redoubled effort. He had a firm grip and was pulling her up. He was sure they were out of danger but suddenly out of nowhere there was a hard force to his back as if someone pushed him. He fell with Matrisha towards the light. The jolt from behind had made him lose his grip on Matrisha and she was falling below him. She fell into the light and yet there was no sound.
Everything was happening so fast. Raygor didn’t know what to think. He knew being in midair there was nothing he could do. He fell into the light and there was no sound. He knew he should have hit the ground by now but he was still falling. He was enveloped in a ghostly blue light. After some time of falling he came out of the ghostly blue and could not believe what he was seeing.
The ground looked like it was dark and absent of light while the sky was bright with an ungentle light. He was still falling but as he came to the ground something unseen made him slow down until he was hovering over the ground. When he was about six feet from the ground he fell at normal speed and hit the ground hard. He gathered his composure and climbed off the ground. He looked around at this strange and unusual place. He also looked for Matrisha and back up at the light…it was gone. He couldn’t see Matrisha anywhere.
After looking around and not finding Matrisha or anything else of importance he decided his only option at this point was to continue on in this unknown land. He saw what looked like a tree made out of a shadow in the distance. It caught his attention and he decided that point of interest would be his first destination. He briskly walked toward the mysterious vision in front of him. The ground was not very flat but he made sure he had good footing on every step. The air was thick but it seemed sustainable as he was not dead yet. This place was cold and dark yet beautiful.
As Raygor made his way closer to the tree his mind was racing. He was wondering where he was, where Matrisha was, and how he would return to the place he left behind.

Well it seems alright so far, though that introduction is a lil awkward (though that's probably just a nitpick). But still, a critic is a critic:

- The beginning just jumps way to the point. In my style of writing, I prefer to keep things a lil vague, just to make the reader wonder a bit. Let their minds expand a tad. I've wrote something where the main character wasn't introduced until the 24th chapter or so (I'm kinky like that).

- You might wanna keep a lil secrets, like, instead of naming the character right away, just refer to him as "that guy" or "the young man" until someone (another character) can reveal the name for you. Like when he goes to the mother, he says:
"Hey is [...] home?"
"Hi Raygor, no [...] isn't home."

- A lil nitpick where the character knows the friend isn't home because he didn't see lights despite it being daylight out (or so I assumed).

- Might wanna work on your imagery a tad. You did fine describing the area and some of the character's features, but the main character's face still draws a blank, or you could be lazy and hire an illustrator. You could try something like: "Raygor stared profoundly at the water after washing his face. He inspected what he could in the rippled water, using the water to properly adjust his black hair and to take out the remaining crust from his, young and excited, green eyes." Nothing wrong with how you portrayed it (it's probably just a me thing here), but unless this is a fairy tale, that description is a tad bit to the point. But of course these choices are up to the writer, and really should only be changed if the writer so chooses.

- Just to keep in mine when describing a character to address: their age, skin, hair, eye colors (you forgot the first), their height, physique, any unique physical characteristics (like scars or tattoos), and clothing [style]. It helps in creating the character's image a lot.

- Put an extra space between paragraphs/quotes. Like the space I'm putting between these points. It's not exactly necessary for what you posted this for, it just makes this a lot easier to read.

- "It wasn't much of an answer but where he did not know himself it was the best idea he could come up with." wut.

I'm a lil lost by wording, but I'm guessing the point is: "It wasn't much of an answer, but considering he himself did not know, it was the best idea he could come up with."

- I'm still confused on the theme/genre of the story. Is it a fantasy? Because that's what it's looking like. The interesting names also give me that idea.

- You jumped a lil fast into the sudden push and action. It's only the first three pages, you'll type hundreds of more later. Take advantage of the introduction to develop your characters; I have no idea who Matrisha is and I can't say I'd care if she had fallen to her death for example. A bit more dialogue could help this out.

- do matrisha got a booty


And that's about it. I'm overall quite impressed (and happy we have another writer here). Keep up the good work, and post more of your book on a private page. Like Google Docs (cuz it's superior to all other forms of writing programs found anywhere), and then share it with me. Cuz I said so.





MOAR.

A lot of your points make sense. Yes it is fantasy. The biggest reason I jumped into the action was as an attention grabber. I figured the first part of the book is the most important, if you can hook them at the beginning it shouldn't be too hard to keep them I wouldn't think. What would be wrong if I could make the whole book action though, give them a nonstop action experience like watching Mission Impossible 3 at the theaters was for me. Yea "It wasn't much of an answer, but where he did not know either, it was the best he could come up with." is probably more refined. How you rephrased it would probably work also. Lol how I had it sounds like he doesn't know who he is lmao. Thank you for the constructive criticism.

Sephirothansylar wrote:The biggest reason I jumped into the action was as an attention grabber. I figured the first part of the book is the most important, if you can hook them at the beginning it shouldn't be too hard to keep them I wouldn't think. What would be wrong if I could make the whole book action though, give them a nonstop action experience like watching Mission Impossible 3 at the theaters was for me.

That's right for any form of writing (especially for a persuasive-type of writing). Like I said, there's plenty of time for you to get to the action stuff, but 100% action right from the start isn't the smartest approach either. It's like in video games; there's a large difference in combat centric games vs character centric games, and depending on the goal at hand, a game can be amazing if both are properly balanced.

Yea "It wasn't much of an answer, but where he did not know either, it was the best he could come up with." is probably more refined. How you rephrased it would probably work also. Lol how I had it sounds like he doesn't know who he is lmao.

That was another thing I forgot to point out; lack of commas.

Thank you for the constructive criticism.

No prob bruh. Glad to be of service.

I'm not the ideal critic for ya since this stuff ain't my preferred genre and style, and I ain't an educated writer by any means. However, I'm gonna go ahead and force feed ya my copper Lincolns 'cause I'm opinionated, regardless of the fact that this thread's pretty old. I'll also try'n ignore whatever Red already addressed.

Yer both right and wrong when ya say you wanna capture the audience's attention with action early on. If this were a movie or a game? Absolutely. But when it's a book? Ehhhh....not quite.

Movies and games make infinitely better use of action than books because they have multiple dimensions. They have visuals, they have sound, and they have a structured pace. They can capture yer attention with an action scene early on because they set the pace. The audience sees and hears the scene the way it was intended to, whereas in a book, the reader ultimately has the final say. No matter how much detail you wanna throw inna describin' a fight scene in written form, it's their mind that's interpretin' and playin' it out.

What you needa do is think about this from the perspective of a book and a reader readin' said book. Ya don't have actors or special effects or a soundtrack or choreo or camera angles to influence the audience -- you have words. This ain't a bad thing or a limitation either. They know they're readin' a book. They're fine readin' words; 'swhat they're here for.

Think of "action" not as "fight scene" but as "something happening." More often than not, a better "action"/hook/attention grabber in a book is dialogue and/or cute, snippy, personified narration (which I'm guessin' isn't what yer goin' for).

Think about how yer actually writin' the story, don't just envision a movie and then type yer play-by-play. Utilize yer tools. Think of it from the perspective of a reader. When should the reader be bouncin' from one line to the next? When should their brain click from one character's voice to the next? What cues should they pick up on throughout the early wordin' of a scene to determine the mood of the scene? When should the words on the page be purposely suspenseful and be tuggin' on their anxieties? When should they pause to mull over a line of dialogue they just read?

Yer sentences themselves are choppy, to be honest, and they don't flow well together. They feel like basic descriptions of events, like footnotes in a script for actors and choreographers to take inna account before filmin' the scene.

But they do progress, which is somethin' I liked in yer passage, and it's somethin' I'd liketa see more of from similar writin's. It's very deliberate -- you don't waste time on fluffy words and metaphors that don't matter and aren't there for a specific reason. There isn't much padding.

That bein' said, I gotta say that I'm not innerested in readin' the rest based on that. Like I said, 'salready not my genre. But beyond that, I don't care for the characters. I don't care for the world. I don't feel any tension when I should, and I haven't connected with anything, even on a "sparked intrigue" level.

But you should keep writin'. I can see the fun'amen'al elements in this that would make actual fansa the genre innerested. You just needa keep workin' at it and flesh it out more.

Beyond that, continue. Just keep goin'. Don't even think about what I've said in any form. Write exactly like you have been until the story is complete. Then go back and edit until it's structurally more sound.

Just get the story done. 's the only way you'll stop that habita quittin' yer writin' projects. Finish the story alla way through, then go back and edit it.

Good luck, man, and have fun. And even though I said I'm not innerested in it based on whatcha've shown, I will read any more thatcha post. If you want more critique, Red'll certainly give it, and I will too if ya want. If ya don't want criticism and just want a reader, I can tape my mouth shut and do that too.

Write.

... BUT DO MATRISHA GOT A BOOTY?


Yeah bruh I'm still waitin' on updates here.

Alright just a few edits and deleted the last part probably going to take a new path. Haven't added much but I think I might start working on this again, it is a good base to work with I think. Working close to full-time so might try to do like a page a day but not sure. Anyway here is the revised form with about an hour of revising and editing.


As the sea shimmered and the sky glistened with light, a young man sat contently. He was an intellectual person with delicate black hair and green eyes. He had a rough yet handsome face. He had a scar-like marking over his eye yet unlike a scar he was born with it.
Enamored by the gentle yet soothing breeze, he gazed out over the water. It was another magnificent day in his hometown of Edinlorn. Sitting on a large, rough-looking rock, he pondered what the new day had in store for him. Would he wander off in the dark yet welcoming forest or would he let the day waste away as he enjoyed the gentle sunlight gripping him in soft warmth.
The young man hated wasting time so sitting there all day seemed like a crime. He also didn’t feel up to exploring the darkness enveloped forest. “I think I'll go see Aldarem.” He grabbed his sword and scabbard. After clipping it to his belt he was ready to depart. He started off on his way to his friend’s place leaving behind the pleasant sea-side relaxation.
The town of Edinlorn was a very small town that stood on a hill and the only real way to get there was through the dark forest called Gorajd. Edinlorn had a dainty wooden fence around the whole town. The fence was really only to keep wild animals and the sort out of the town. It was neatly lined with huts where most people lived and a few buildings that were slightly more glamorous that were the shops and other important buildings.
As he came to his friend’s blue and green house, he realized his friend wasn’t home due to the windows being closed. His friend would only shut the windows when he would be out for a while. He then decided he would go see his friend Matrisha. He took off to the left and turned the corner to the right. After three blocks, on the left was where Matrisha’s house rested.
He knocked three times in a firm motion. He waited a while and the door was quickly opened. The person hovering in the door way was Matrisha’s mother, Ellanor. Before he could even say anything she spoke. “Matrisha is down by the lake sir Raygor.”
“Thank you, have a nice day.” Raygor said as he bowed his head and turned a half circle to leave. Raygor went back the way he came passing Aldarem’s house and continuing on toward the lake. He descended down the hill outside of town and could see Matrisha off in the distance at the edge of the lake. The sun reflected off the magnificent lake and Illuminated the trees to the side. When she noticed him coming down the hill they shared a warm smile.
“What are you up to?” asked Raygor. She stood there with almost a vibrant glow. She had medium length blonde hair. Her eyes were a deep and welcoming blue. Her face was soft and gentle with glowing skin. She gestured to the lake before speaking. Her melodic, soothing voice graced the world with its presence.
“I am enjoying this beautiful day next to this shimmering lake.” Raygor was not surprised to see her here for she always enjoyed coming here. They sat down together on a couple of “sitting rocks” as they called them. After a long, peaceful moment Raygor spoke. His deep, almost booming voice filled the air.
“I was thinking of going into the Gorajd Forest. Would you like to join me?” She looked at him with a puzzled look. She didn’t understand why he enjoyed that forest so much. He was always exploring that place it seemed. After pondering the question in her mind she finally decided to answer.
“Alright, I’ll go.” They arose and started to make their way to the Gorajd Forest. It was a rocky path for a while until they were farther away from the lake. The path then turned into a somewhat flat dirt path with many more trees.
“So how is your brother doing?” asked Raygor.
“He seems to be decent but he’s always complaining about Mr. Timothy’s lectures. He says they are long, monotonous, and boring. I tell him they are important for his education but I don’t think he cares.”
“Most people don’t like to learn. They don’t understand how powerful knowledge can be, at least not yet anyway.” They entered the outskirts of the forest and continued toward the heart of the forest. It's dark tendrils seemed to reach out to welcome all who would brave the ominous-looking place.
The place seemed darker than usual today. There was a peculiar feeling to the darkness and the silence. It was hard to believe how quiet the forest was. Every foot step sent out a reverberation throughout the forest, echoing outwards.
“Where are all the animals and noisy bugs?” asked Matrisha. Raygor didn’t answer immediately but he had been thinking the same thing. He had a puzzled look on his face and pondered the looming question.
“Perhaps someone came through here hunting and scared everything away.” It wasn’t much of an answer, but where he did not know either, it was the best he could come up with.
“Maybe we should go back Ray.” Matrisha would normally refer to Raygor as just Ray just as Raygor would refer to her as just Trish.
“Don’t worry. If anything happens I will protect you.” He spoke with confidence and power.
They came up to a huge, beautiful tree named Magno Tree. Raygor thought about how no matter how many times he saw it, it still impressed him. As the two stood there admiring the tree there was a sound off to the right. Without warning the leaves started to rustle. Out of the rustling came a figure. Raygor drew his sword in defense.
“Whoa what are you doing?” asked the mysterious figure with a familiar voice.
“Oh, Aldarem, what are you doing out here?” Raygor almost shouted but was able to tone it down from how he played it in his mind.

Edit: Oh ya and just for Red- No matrisha is skinny with a flat butt...and before you ask she has small utters too, my vision of beauty.

Gimme moar.


I'm fine with the utters (my yellow fever makes me immune to worrying about that).

Worked on it some more just for you Red. Might work on it once a week, not much to do early Thursday and it's one of my two days off.

“Oh, Aldarem, what are you doing out here?” Raygor almost shouted but was able to tone it down from how he played it in his mind.
“I was just going for a nice stroll in the forest mate.”
Aldarem had hair as dark as night and a defined face. He had thick eyebrows and a thick mustache. He was taller than Raygor putting him above average height. He had a puzzled look on his face.
“What are you guys doing way out here?”
“I wanted to come, and I dragged Trish with me.”
“You didn't drag me...I thought it would be enjoyable to come also you know.”
Looking at the sky Raygor realized the sun would soon be swallowed by the horizon.
“We better head back to town, it's getting late.”
With a look of surprise Aldarim looked around and chimed in.
“I didn't realize it was so late already! I'm supposed to be home for my wife's special dinner tonight.” As he finished speaking, he bolted off. “Got to go, see you two later.”
As rocks crunching beneath his boots and leaves rustling began to fade into the distance Raygor was there with Matrisha, or so he thought. All of a sudden there was another commotion in the leaves and bushes. Raygor wondered if it could be Aldarem coming back but realized it was from a different direction completely.
Out of the bushes came something grotesque. It was completely unrecognizable. Raygor thought of it as a monster. It had two large arms that it used to move since it didn't seem to have any legs. It was an ugly gray color.
Raygor barely had his sword out and ready when it got close enough and lashed at him. He successfully blocked the attack with his sword but it sent him flying backwards. He landed on the ground hard on his back. The creature turned towards Matrisha and closed in on her. As he got closer Raygor felt completely hopeless. There was nothing he could do to save her. Everything was happening so fast.
Right as the monster was about to grab Matrisha something surprising happened. Matrisha started to glow. Light was shining off her and illuminating the darkness around us. She slowly floated off the ground and hovered in the air. For some reason this seemed to affect the monster standing before her. It quickly turned away from her and retreated into the darkness. As soon as it was leaving Matrisha stopped shining and fell to the ground.
Raygor ran up to her making sure the creature had left for sure. He looked at Matrisha laying there on the ground. She almost seemed unconscious but then she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
“What happened to me?”
“I don't know...”
They sat there for a while trying to comprehend what had happened. Finally darkness had swallowed everything.
“We need to head home, Matrisha. Let me carry you on my shoulders.”
She insisted she was fine and would walk on her own but Raygor wouldn't have it. He carried her through the thick trees and passed the lake. He was watching his step since the darkness nearly robbed his sight. They arrived at the edge of town and Raygor finally let Matrisha walk on her own.

You should've finished the whole story 3 days before you started it. >:P


MOAR.